i miss you, ricky!

(I apologize for the somber tone of this posting, but it's something I had to do)

On August 22, 2007, Ricky Reyes lost his long fight with neuroblastoma (cancer). I met this wonderful child when he was around 3 years old: his older brother, Ray, was in my kindergarten class. When his mother would come to pick up Ray, Ricky would be running around her and she would smile, and say, "Just you wait until he's in your class!!"

In Jan. of 2005, Ricky was diagnosed after a lump on his skull wouldn't disappear. His K4 teacher pushed mom to not accept the answers of "well, he probably just bumped his head" that she received at the local clinic, and finally they were able to go to Penn State Hershey Medical Center for more tests and the eventual diagnosis. Ricky began receiving treatments then, missing the last half of his K4 year. The next school year began with Ricky on my class list, but he was not able to attend school until Feb. 2006. However, a few of his K4 classmates were in my class, I made sure to have his picture on our board, his name on his cubby, and other things that let the students know that we had another member of our class. Additionally, when he was able to, his mom would bring him in to visit. In Feb. he started and was able to finish out the year with us.

At the end of the year, the decision was made to have Ricky repeat Kindergarten with me as he had missed over half of both his K4 and K5 years. I was excited to have the chance to be his teacher again - energy level and all! The Monday before school started in Aug. of 2006, a tumor was discovered in Ricky's right leg. The cancer was back. Ricky was only able to attend school sporadically, but we were thankful for each day that he was there.

Ricky had to wear a walking cast on his leg, mainly to protect his brittle bones, but he never complained. The doctors would tell his mom, "He should really be careful of how active he is..." and then laugh with her at the thought of keeping this very active boy still! He would tell his pastor, "Sometimes my leg hurts, but then I just tell God that it hurts, stomp my foot a couple of times, and say 'Leg, you can't hurt' " When he lost his hair (again), he also said to his pastor (who is bald), "Pastor, do you get chemo, too?" He never left school without giving me a hug and that wonderful smile of his. I will also never forget helping him go across the monkey bars (not that he couldn't do it, I just didn't want him to fall!), and his quiet acceptance of the things that he wasn't allowed to do. Ricky was a very happy kid.

By Spring of 2007, the cancer had spread to his left shoulder. I can't remember exactly when it was that I talked with the social worker from Hershey. But, I needed to know what I was facing, and how to prepare for the possibility of his death during the school year. I asked the social worker what the prognosis was. He said that he had a good couple of months, but that if he lived till 8 years of age, it would be a miracle. The hardest part for me, as a teacher, was knowing how to discipline Ricky. Under normal circumstances, he probably would've been a good candidate for Ritalin! :) But, how do you discipline (when it is needed and you would do the same for other students) when you know that this child isn't going to survive childhood?

The school year ended (that's us on the last day - me with a necklace given to me by another student) and I told Ricky that I was not going to let him go to 1st grade. He just looked at me like I was crazy, and very seriously said, "Mrs. Gibson, c'mon. I'm going to 1st grade." And when his mom would talk to me in Spanish, he would say to her, "Mom, you know English!" You never quite knew what was going to come out of his mouth!

I didn't know it at the time, but in July, Ricky got really sick. In a matter of 3 weeks, the cancer spread to his other 2 limbs and the rest of his body. On August 13, our school receptionist called me, saying that his mom was trying to get a hold of me. The next day was Ricky's 7th birthday and they were having a party for him at the hospital. She wanted me to be there.

I drove up to Hershey not having any idea what was ahead. NOTHING prepared me for the sight of Ricky in that hospital bed. The difference between the happy-go-lucky, active kid and the one that was lying in that bed heavily medicated was staggering. All of his family, his church, some of his doctors and nurses, and lots of friends were there to celebrate. He liked both the Power Rangers and Spiderman so his cake had both. Some people spoke and then I decided I wanted to as well. I said a few words, and then I said, "Happy Birthday, Ricky! I love you!" and he turned his head, and looked up at me, and gave a small smile through the pain. I will NEVER forget that! I knew I was saying goodbye that day.

Wednesday, August 22, I went to school to start getting my classroom ready for the new school year. I walked in the door, and the receptionist said that my principal wanted to see me. I knew why. For the second time in less than 2 years, my principal was telling me that one of my former students had died (the first time is another story). It's interesting, the way I deal with news like that. I don't cry then, in fact, I almost seem cold when I respond and later relay the news ("Mom, I'm just calling to tell you that Ricky died today at 8am" and such like). But, oh, it hit me hard. Even now, I'm crying as I write this. Thank goodness my class last year was pretty well-behaved because I don't remember ANYTHING about the beginning of the year. I do remember that Ricky's mom came to my room on the first day of school to see how I was doing. Me! Never mind the fact that she was trying to take care of her own and her family's grief! (Ricky's father is in the picture, but his mom is the pillar of that family!) All I knew was that I had a memorial to plan and a memorial marker to order, and the garden to clean up, and that was all I could think about. September 14th was our service at school. It was a great service, and I relished the opportunity to meet up again with my old students (both sets of classmates participated).

I'm sure that there will be more funerals in the future. But, I pray that I will never again have to go through the experience of the death of a student so recently in my classroom. I know that what I had with Ricky and his family is precious. His mom taught me more about faith and trust in God during times of immense sadness than I had ever learned before. She is an amazing woman! And I was so very very blessed to be a part of Ricky's life and to have him be a part of mine. What I did realize is that there is VERY LITTLE out there to help teachers deal with the grief of losing a student. And it's a very different type of grief than if a family member or a friend passes away. I know that I did not handle it very well - Ricky's death colored my whole year last year and affected me in ways I did not realize until the end of the year. But now, I am facing the start of a new school year, and I have to be ready for it.

Ricky, you were one of the funniest kids I've ever known. Your smile lit up my life. I hope you're having fun up there and I'll see you again someday!


I end with a poem from the funeral service.

Ricky, nuestra estrella, nuestro corazoncito, nuestro nino.
Al tu salir de nuestro lado
Nuestro corazon muy vacio had estado
Pero sabemos que con Dios tu estas
Y que el dolor en tu cuerpo ya no existe mas.
Un angel del Senor a nosotros nos llame
Tu lindo rostro otra vez veremos
Y alli junto estaremos
Y nunca mas nos separaremos.

Ricky, our star, our sweetheart, our son.
As you left our side
Our hearts became very empty.
But we know that you are with God
And there is no more pain in your body.
We call you an Angel of the Lord
We will see your face again
and we will be together there
and never be separated again.