Courtney (and her sister) keep me well-stocked in books; 99.99% of the books I read come from the Gardner girls. One of the books that Courtney gave me last year after she knew I was pregnant is called Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year by Anne Lamott. The author, a single mom and a writer, on the advice of a friend, kept a journal of her son's first year and then published it a few years later at the urging of another friend. I am only a few entries in, but I am already wondering why I did not write some more things down in these last 16 weeks. (Well, I do know partly why: I am not really a writer, much less a journal-writer, I thought I would remember more, I am lazy, the list goes on and on...)
Anyway, as I am reading, a whole bunch of thoughts go racing through my head; thoughts about how much Micah is growing and changing already, and being a mama (yes, I like this term better, but we'll see how long "mama" holds out over "mommy") versus hanging out with friends' kids, how much I love this kid, how much I do not like what having this darling boy did to my body, etc.
Suddenly a brilliant thought broke through: "PUT THESE THOUGHTS IN YOUR BLOG! You know, the one you barely write in anymore? The one that you don't even have bookmarked?!"
So, here I am. I have no idea if I can articulate all of those thoughts, but I will at least try. And I am pretty sure they are going to be pretty random thoughts without much cohesiveness. And I don't know how long Micah will be content being in his Exersaucer (I won't even go into how long that thing took me to put together - and I LOVE putting things together, AND the box said "improved assembly time". I shudder to think how it had been before!).
*I think my son is possibly the cutest baby ever. I said this to my Grandma when visiting her last week. She laughed and said that all mothers think that. I responded, "Well, in my case, it is the truth."
*I love that Micah gives me "kisses." Okay, maybe it's just that sucking reflex kicking in, but he will put his hands on either side of my face and smear slobber all over me. I count them as kisses, and call them kisses in the hopes that he makes that connection when older. :)
(BTW, Micah is already out of the Exersaucer and sitting in my lap, holding onto my hand while I type. So, I am not responsible for any typos!)
*While slightly exasperating, I think it darling that Micah now will stop eating to look up at me, wait until I look at him, and then break out into the biggest smile! I want to get a picture of this, but not sure how without exposing too much! :)
*Speaking of darling, I have a confession. I am doing the one thing that I had said I would NEVER do. When Micah wakes up around 4ish, I pull him into bed with me to nurse. This started when I had to go back to work and I was too tired to sit up to feed him. I slightly freak that he will suffocate, so my sleep isn't quite as good the rest of the night. But the mornings are all worth it. He opens his eyes, sees me, breaks out into the biggest smile, and starts cooing away! It's my most favorite time of the day and the reason this has continued. But I know I have to break this habit. He likes to use me as a pacifier the rest of the night and now, any time that I lie down next to him, he thinks he needs to nurse. Plus, I should probably start sleeping in the same room as my husband again. We started sleeping apart back around Nov. when I was just getting too uncomfortable sleeping so that there was a better chance for us both to get some sleep, and then it just became why do both of us need to wake up when I am the one feeding Micah (my words, not his). Our marriage is doing fine and we have been okay with this arrangement, but I am thinking that I should probably leave my baby before things are not fine! :)
*"Mommy Wars": It amazes me how polarizing some aspects of parenthood can be. And it starts before baby is even born. I got my first taste back when I was making the decision to deliver by c-section or not. To paraphrase Vicki Iovine, there is no special award ceremony if you deliver vaginally without pain meds. I realize that for some of my friends that this was very important to them. That's fine. But, please don't think less of those of us who didn't (or couldn't) deliver that way. In the end, the outcome is the same! I am content with the decision I made, but sometimes I just feel that I am being judged. Of course, this could be something created entirely out of my own insecurities, but I had to get it out there regardless.
Diapering: To cloth-diaper or not. I really struggle with this one. And, I'm still not entirely satisfied with what I am doing. I really wanted to give CDing a shot, 85% because of economics, 15% because of environment. I have done lots and lots of research on this, and for us, right now, it does not make sense. I have a front-loader which I LOVE. But, having a front-loader means even more wash cycles. So, that sorta negates some of the savings (both monetarily AND economically) and means WAY more time spent washing, which is not a favorite chore of mine to begin with! So, I use disposable, and try to squelch the cringe I feel every time I double-bag an especially stinky one, thinking how many eons that diaper will sit somewhere. (I now think 85% environmentally because I have been blessed in that I have not had to purchase diapers, yet, anyway!)
And the Big One: SAHM v. Working-Mom: Really, I have no choice in this matter and I've known that from the beginning. When you have the health care coverage that a public school teacher has (at least at this moment in time) and your spouse is self-employed...well, you already know what the answer is. To be honest, I wish that I at least had a choice. But, then I am reminded of an article I once read about women wanting to be in the work force and having all of the same opportunities as men, but once there are children, we want to have the choice to leave all of that "progression" and stay home (and yet for men, the cultural expectation still is to work no matter what). So, I think, "Is it anti-feminist of me to want that choice?" But, I wouldn't even consider myself a feminist! Such wars that go on in my head!
So, I will be a Working-Mom with some perks that come from being a teacher -- summer vacation, holidays off, not-too-late of nights -- and some that are not -- can't set own hours or work from home or take a vacation in February or any of those other things that magazine articles suggest for working moms. And, I do enjoy teaching, most days, so I don't even know how content I would be to "stay at home" day in and day out (although I am enjoying it now!).
I also didn't really want to put my baby in daycare. I worked in one for a couple of years, and while there was nothing wrong with that particular place, I always felt bad for the parents of the littlest ones because we got to spend so much time with them and see all of these neat things happening with their children. And then there is the cost! Especially for little ones! This has probably been the heaviest on my mind (and in my prayers) since I found out I was pregnant. But, thankfully, there is a solution that eases all of my worries! At least for this next school year, Mike is going to stay home 2 days a week, and my friend (and former colleague), Sarah, will be watching Micah the other 3. It makes for a longer commute to work, but that is the only con I can see!
*Okay, those were kinda heavy. Time for a lighter thought. Since Micah has learned to roll over and scooch all around, I've been more hesitant to swaddle him. But that makes it difficult come nap-time. So, he's been putting up more of a fight the last few days. Then, I remembered that he will fall asleep almost instantly when we put him in his infant carrier. So, the last couple of days, that is where he takes his naps. I am not questioning the power of the carrier, I am just very thankful for it! Seriously, he can be screaming his poor little lungs out as I am putting him in, but the moment I pick it up and give 1 swing, he's out! And, a lot of times he will fall asleep with his finger on his little frog toy, sorta like it's a tripwire or something: move him, finger falls, he wakes up! :)
*Back to the book I started this post on: the author wrote quite a few pages on her fears for her - at that time - unborn son. There were the ones that we all have, and then she finally gets to what her worst fear is:
...worse than just about anything else is the agonizing issue
of how on earth anyone can bring a child into this world knowing
full well that he or she is eventually going to have to go through
seventh and eighth grades.
And to that, I say, Amen. (This also goes to show that any fear that I have that I think might be ridiculous or one-of-a-kind really is not.)
*I love that the author was so honest about her feelings - especially at 1am with her colicky baby. Part of the reason I didn't write anything down was I was afraid I would be too negative, Micah would read it some day, he would then hate me...I am so neurotic...anyway, the kid in the book would be almost 21 now. I wish I could find out how having a book written about him has affected his emotional well-being. :)
*Post-Baby body: Ugh. I have officially begun actively trying to lose the 57 lbs. (!!!) I need to get rid of to get back to pre-baby (aka, healthy) weight. I know I can do it. It's just going to take time and willpower (the willpower thing is tough when you are tired!). Plus, I tell myself it has to come off before I can even think about another baby. But, I'm afraid that I will have to break down and buy a few more clothes in this size. I'm getting tired of the same 4 shirts and they are looking a little worn out!
And the stomach! Again, a quote from the author: "When I lie on my side in bed, my stomach lies politely beside me, like a puppy." I love that! One good thing about the large, flabby stomach: it makes for a great jumping pad for Micah! (Again, I thought this while he was exercising his leg muscles today. He's used my stomach as a launching pad almost from day 1. My internal incision is thankfully healed more now, so it doesn't hurt quite as much anymore!)
*Other people's kids: Last night I met with some colleagues for 50-cent tacos at the Brasserie. To go back to the working mom bit for a moment, I have to say that another reason I will keep working is for the relationships that I have with quite a number of my colleagues. They are the reason why I can keep going to back to the insanity that our school can be at times. If I didn't have them, life would be much, much harder.
Anyway, I was out with some of them last night. And we are in different stages of life, so two of them were admiring my darling while also saying how glad they are that they are beyond that stage (their children are college-age+). One said how nice it is now to admire and play with little ones now and then be able to hand them back. I said that this is how I felt for many years with my friends' children. I didn't have anything against little kids (hello, I teach K & 1), but I was content being able to give the children back. I knew that some day I would be ready for one that I couldn't give back. And that day came a year ago! Mike and I say quite a bit, "Yeah, I guess we'll keep him," or "He's a keeper" (Come to think of it, we should probably stop saying this once he can understand us. It might give him a complex.)
So, even though my attention (and my affection) is now 99.999999999% focused to my own child, never fear - I still love you, Trey! (and others - you know who you are)
*I think I might be running out of random thoughts. Or I am forgetting them. Whew! This almost turned into an epic! Well, maybe now that I got all of this out in one fell swoop, I can do shorter posts more regularly. But, please, I want my readers alive, so don't hold your breath! :)
Until next time...
